Skip to content

Instantly share code, notes, and snippets.

@ceramicwhite

ceramicwhite/Austin.txt

Created October 2, 2024 22:22
Show Gist options

  • Select an option

    Learn more about clone URLs
  • Save ceramicwhite/52c34e6caea6220ba313717343327379 to your computer and use it in GitHub Desktop.

Select an option

Learn more about clone URLs
Save ceramicwhite/52c34e6caea6220ba313717343327379 to your computer and use it in GitHub Desktop.
Download ZIP
Raw
Austin.txt
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Evacuation...
(waiting)
Complete! The cryogenic state of
Austin Powers is now completed.
Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle � la Dr.
Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections
and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.
AUSTIN
(weakly)
Where am I?
BASIL EXPOSITION
You're in the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997. You've been cryogenically
frozen for thirty years.
AUSTIN
(shouting)
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BASIL EXPOSITION
The shouting is a temporary side-
effect of the unfreezing process.
AUSTIN
Yes, I'm having trouble
controlling&emdash;
(shouting)
THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!
BASIL EXPOSITION
You might also experience a slight
fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at
moments of extreme relaxation.
Austin, this is Commander Gilmour,
Strategic Command, and General
Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.
AUSTIN
Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?
BASIL EXPOSITION
A lot's happened since you were
frozen, Austin. The cold war's over.
AUSTIN
Thank God. Those capitalist dogs
will finally pay for their crimes
against the people,
hey Comrades?
BASIL EXPOSITION
We won, Austin.
AUSTIN
Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!
(to Gilmour)
Nice tie. Yea capitalism!
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Mr. Powers, the President's very
concerned. We've got a madman on
the loose in Nevada.
BASIL EXPOSITION
It's Dr. Evil.
AUSTIN
When do I begin?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Immediately. You'll be working with
Ms. Kensington.
AUSTIN
You mean Mrs. Kensington?
BASIL EXPOSITION
No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long-
since retired. Ms. Kensington is
her daughter.
VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful,
mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very
conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she
wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away.
She sets down a huge stack of files.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Vanessa's one of our top agents.
AUSTIN
(out loud, to himself)
My God, Vanessa's got a smashing
body. I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because of
the unfreezing process, I have no
inner monologue?
(pause)
I hope I didn't say that out loud
just now.
There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.
VANESSA
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate
you to the Nineties. You know, a
lot's changed since 1967.
AUSTIN
Well, as long as people are still
having promiscuous sex with many
anonymous partners without protection,
while at the same time experimenting
with mind-expanding
drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a
pound.
VANESSA
My mother's told me all about you.
AUSTIN
If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's
the truth, goddamn me.
(pause)
God, I hope that's witty. How's
your mum?
VANESSA
My mother's doing quite well, thank
you very much.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Yes, well...Agent Kensington will
get you set up. She's very dedicated.
Perhaps, a little too dedicated.
(aside to Austin)
She's got a bit of a bug up her ass.
Good luck, Austin, the world's
depending on you.
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin&emdash;
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thanks.
Basil exits.
Sign up for free to join this conversation on GitHub. Already have an account? Sign in to comment